When we have time, David and I muse about the complexity, simplicity, elusiveness and ever-changeability of life. We talk about our musings with each other and would have such interesting discussions.
Lately we have discussed a lot about philosophy, the universe and the existential matters since I started reading Antoine Saint-Exupery, Alain de Botton and about Soren Kierkegaard. Is the soul eternal? Does the consciousness continue after physical death? Is there another plane of existence that the human eye cannot see? What is God? So on and so forth.
Pondering over such existential matters strangely brings about a quiet contemplative joy, which in turn makes other daily life matters seem small.
Jacob muses quite a bit as he is a sensitive boy and day-dreaming type. In fact, he has many good questions.
After being drilled by us about the importance of responsibility, he asked out of the blue, “is it difficult to be an adult?” To which, we replied “Yes!”
It might be worthwhile to record our musings to see how our thinking and our children’s thinking change over time.
Summer 2020 – Musings during COVID lockdown
This has been the most unusual year in my life due to COVID-19, a new corona virus that has sickened and killed many people all over the world. It has afflicted the Vietnamese and the American not only physically but also spiritually. The Vietnamese people living in big cities usually spill out into the streets before the break of day to start their hustling at the open markets and elsewhere. They live more in the streets than at home. The pandemic has caused them to be restricted in their daily movements, which I am sure has caused spiritual discomfort. How does this pandemic affect the Americans? Well, they love to gather socially and hug. As we are not supposed to gather and have personal physical contact right now, I am sure many of them have felt that something important is amiss in their lives. It is often the case that we come to realize how essential and important certain things are to us when they are not there anymore. In the United States, normal people are endowed with an abundance of food, water, electricity and space (outside big cities). As a natural result, people here take all of their natural resources and material provisions for granted. They also take for granted the time and love they have been given by God and other people. They lust after complex sources of prestige and entertainment such as social image, TV shows and technologies. The realization of what is truly essential and sustaining usually comes too late, which is certainly a sorrowful human condition. However, happiness and joy do come once we overcome this sorrow and move on with our learned lessons carved in our hearts. Since, thanks to God, we are usually given a second chance. Sometimes a third, but not always.
I realized how important nature, family and solitude are to my soul 5 years ago when we moved to Campbellsville. I came to know the very source of the clinging melancholy I felt when growing up and living in a big city – too much concrete and too many people. We moved to a house with a backyard looking out to an open field. What a joy it was to sit in our backyard while casting our eyes out to the field! What a delight when the boys chased fireflies there on summer evenings! What a comfort when I would “escape” to the backyard to look at the birds circling before flying off into the twilight. We used our telescope to look at the planets and stars. We grew some flowers and vegetables. I would do my school homework on a picnic blanket while taking pictures of the bumblebees sucking on the honeysuckle flowers or looking at hawks circling overhead. What a shame that many humans have chosen to shut themselves up in offices and cubicles on a daily basis! My spirit would weaken and my soul would wither in such artificial spaces and tense human social environment. One time James found a bird feather in the backyard and told me he wanted to return it to the bird. I told him it wasn’t necessary as the bird could still live without that one feather. He persisted. However, after looking around in vain for the afflicted bird, he resigned, saying, “It’s ok not to give back this feather since the bird is not yet dead without it.” What a sweet memory! 7-years-old now, he has completely lost that cute innocence of toddlerhood.
This year I feel closet to the other members of my family than I have ever done. I have had Bob for 14 years, but he has been an enigma to me until a couple years ago. Bill has been with us for 7 and a half years, but the demand of his physical care before has been a hindrance to me truly knowing him as a person. Bull and I have been married for 17 years, and although there has been passion and honest exchange of thoughts over the course of our marriage, there has also been a fair share of confusion and conflict. To me, marriage is a very fragile institution. People outside of any marriage, especially the couple’s extended family members, usually don’t want to see the married partners enjoy themselves with each other. Extended family members are usually effective in their methods to encourage the married partners to feel sour towards one another. Philosophers have praised the merit of friendship, but in my experience, friendship is even more fragile as it is rare to find those who are selfless and faithful to his friends under duress and changing circumstances. The friendship bond must be strongly forged from the beginning and over a long period of time to withstand the tests of change, distance and time. I want and need friends who inspire me. My spirit and soul thirst for refreshment and insight, so I am content to make friends with all the authors of my beloved books and with the ancient Greek philosophers as well as those who are trying to dispense wisdom and health advice to the public on the Internet. I especially enjoy those who try to show beauty to the world through arts and photography. When we garden more in the backyard, the world will be treated to photos of our lovely blooms throughout the seasons.
It is as well that I don’t have friends since I cherish my solitude. Can one have enough of solitude, to think, dream, walk and be oneself? I know I talk quite a bit, especially to the three Lovelies and to a couple of other people sometimes on the phone, but talk feels vulgar and counterproductive at times. I recently read a reflection piece by Judith Valente about silence, not the cold condemning silence but the holy kind, which resonates with me. I am reading a book called The Solitary Summer by Elizabeth von Arnim which resonates deeply with me. How can one think like that and have the time and space to write such an enjoyable book unless one has solitude and silence? Quietude is vastly underrated in this culture. People here think they can achieve a lot just by talking, never mind that what they think they gain through talk is actually short-lived and fragile. Thoughts, dreams and prayers are so much more powerful than flighty spoken words, I would think. If one wants to know what to value, one only needs to esteem the opposite of what the majority of people praise and strive for. It seems most people live their lives backwards, and they know so deep-down. That’s why historical figures such as the ancient Greek philosophers, the Buddha and Jesus were able to attract so many followers. Their mysterious ways and wise teaching nourish our soul and quench the thirst of our wayward spirit.
How important is a long life? Of course I would like to live long enough to see my children grow up and what they will do with their lives. It would be fantastic for me to be able to spend time with my grandchildren, if I will have any. But is it truly desirable to live a really long life? Many people in history who didn’t live a long life ended up living forever in the memory of all by having achieved greatness during their short lives. Anne Frank only lived till the age of 15. St. Anthony of Padua only lived till the age of 35 or so, and St. Basil the Great only lived until the age of 47. Do God favor those great souls with early death and exit from the human physical conditions where much suffering exists? After all, there is a saying, “Only the good dies young.” Is it true that peace and rest are only granted in death? The Chinese lust after longevity as one of life blessings, and throughout history have searched for the elixir of life to prolong their physical existence. However, I am not inclined to have faith in Chinese thinking and methods. There are some profound souls in Chinese past history, but any greatness these days will certainly be suppressed fast there, for physical strength, territorial expansion and power dominate the Chinese national psyche. The people in charge in China would soon drive any moral greatness underground. I have no respect for the Chinese way.
Moral strength seems to be underrated in most places in the world. It is such a lot of work for a person to dig deep into their soul to reach the wellspring of goodness there. I think the depth of the soul is where eternal life lies. Confinement of time and space doesn’t exist where one’s consciousness joins with that of the Creator and the Universe. That is where one feels infinitely benevolent and free from all the false human conception which is the very cause of the wretchedness of existence. Most people do not reach deep inside where ultimate freedom lies. Elizabeth von Arnim, one of my literary heroines, wrote that she can get along with all her friends if the conversations stay at the superficial level. I find that to be the case with me when it comes to social relationships. It would be rare indeed for one to be able to find those whom one can converse with in-depth. Most people don’t think deeply.
We went on a hike in the forest yesterday. As soon as I entered the domain of trees, all felt right again with the world. Trees and plants are so robust, diverse and magical. How wonderful it is to be in the frame of mind to feel connected and soothed by trees. We humans take them for granted as we do so many things we have in plentitude. We sometimes would talk during a hike, but my favorite moments are those of silence when I can just contemplate the trees and rays of sunlight filtering through layers of leaves and branches. I have recently developed a delight in noticing the changing lights reflected on objects both natural and artificial. When I am inside, I would try to notice shadows and sunlight on walls. When outside, I enjoy the changing lights seen on the grass, flowers and trees. When we lived in the previous house, I used to love laying on a picnic blanket to watch the procession and formation of clouds. I hope I will get to do so again when we finally have a fence installed in the backyard of this house. Oh, the peace and joy of solitude outdoors when the sky is so blue, where the trees frame the sky and when the birds chirp overhead!
I have two lives. In my first life, I did many things I didn’t enjoy just to please others. In this second life, I mostly do things I feel right about even when others are not pleased about my actions or inaction. I spend most days and most of the day at home with my Three Lovelies, my books, my plants and flowers. I strongly suspect others my age or even older would easily feel content staying home most of the time with their families, books, plants and flowers. However, most people would probably not admit it. Women in this modern age are encouraged to become professionally active and socially prominent. Your workplace should be as important as your home, and colleagues should be as important to you as those you share a home with. I don’t know what that feels like. I don’t like social attention since I enjoy my freedom and solitude to do as I wish and to notice beautiful things around me. It has been lovely to spend so much time with the Three Lovelies. I have witnessed their tremendous growth over the years. The First Lovely used to be so arrogant, stubborn and ornery beside being intelligent, original and effective. He has now become humbler and more pious. He loves home, family and most living things. The Second Lovely used to be painfully shy and physically weak. He has grown to be more robust and confident. The Third Lovely used to be just a baby who would tag along with his brother everywhere in the hope to keep up. He is now capable of joining in a lot more activities which they share. When all four of us are together, the days feel long and we have such good fun either being active in nature or laying around reading books.
We have finally settled into a routine for life in the times of COVID-19. This summer I try to take the boys out on a walk at the city lake at least once a week. The First Lovely and I take a brisk walk at the Greenway every day during the week. On Saturday mornings, I take a long walk by myself either at the Greenway or at the University. I usually choose the University as I get to pass by our church and Father Saju’s house on the way. I enjoy checking out Father’s vegetable garden to see how well things are growing. It’s therapeutic to notice things growing. Growth and decay are so essential to living things that I feel refreshingly connected to life when I happen to witness growth in the forms of young buds, new leaves and growing fruits. I am not growing physically anymore but I hope the depth of my thinking and my spiritual strength make new developments every day. On our walk at the city lake, the boys and I enjoy seeing wildlife sunning themselves either on the shore or in the water. We like spotting the turtles, the residential crane, and the fish either above or in the water. We also love seeing the glittering on the water surface as it reflects the brilliant sunshine. The weather was perfect this morning for such a walk. I could live perpetually in 70s- and 80s-degree weather if I can also get snow for 4 months of the year and gorgeous autumn colors for another 4 months. I would have the Spring bloom for 3 months and then nothing but green for only one month.
The First Lovely and I have such interesting talks, usually about current events, on our daily walks. This country is boiling in rage, political warfare and race riots right now. We never want for topics of conversation these days. Whenever he expresses his opinions too heatedly for my taste, I try to restore my peace and composure by noticing the flowers, trees, birds and the stream around me. It is the ideal setting for having discussions about such controversial topics since one can get “cooled” down just by looking around. To try to stay positive, I don’t follow the news which seem to distort and fabricate rather than to report honestly in order to construct meaningful public discourse. So, the First Lovely usually tells me anything important he thinks I should know during our walks, which saves me time and trouble in trying to keep up with the news. Not working and surrounded by many people, there is a barrier between me and the world which suits me very well. I am not one to check on other people on social media as I am usually busy with either taking care of my daily tasks or studying or reading or practicing the piano. As a rule, I tend to keep to myself in order to have the most peace and enjoyment in my days. In my experience, peace and enjoyment are hard to gain when one thinks about other people’s businesses or surrounded by the people themselves. And the more the world outside is contaminated by anger and dissatisfaction, the more peace one needs in one’s home and soul.
The First Lovely is a conservative man who is old before his time in thinking and spirit. Even when he was a very young man, he was an old soul and thought like an old person, which is very attractive in young men. I usually cannot resist such young men. It goes without saying that his political perspective and social viewpoint are conservative and rather traditional. He is also influenced by his work in finance to be conservative where money is concerned. In the age of political correctness where charges of sexism and racism are hurled freely at anyone who doesn’t own a liberal worldview, he is much vexed. Recently, an unarmed black man was subdued and killed accidentally by a policeman in Minnesota. Rioting in protest against racism and police brutality quickly followed in bigger cities in America and Europe. Here in the United States, protesters even attacked police and burned and looted properties. Very scary anarchic mob behaviors. Yet the burning and looting were allowed to go on for a while because normal people are afraid to criticize protesters in fear of being labeled racists. The First Lovely and I are extremely critical of such destructive behaviors that are allegedly carried out in a good cause, but we can only talk among ourselves on our walks. Recently, we have clearly seen diminished common sense and lower standards of basic human decency in public discourse and the national consciousness in this country. The First Lovely is very worried about how the idea of communism seems trendy with the younger generations. He thinks the younger people here are spoiled and entitled. I think they are clueless and a product of a very deficient public educational system in which common knowledge and history are not emphasized enough in the curriculum. People seem to be lacking in purpose and independent thinking here. The social atmosphere seems to resemble that in Vietnam where the majority of people form and follow the herd mentality.
One of the Pilates principles dictates that one should always breathe deeply and fully while going through Pilates’ moves. I think one should always breathe deeply and fully no matter what one does. My shallow breathing has stunted my growth at all levels up until recently. In my first life, my growth was severely hampered by lack of food and milk, a vulgar and domineering grandmother, a neglectful mother and a meek father. Growing up only 5 years after a civil war in a Communist country, my first family and I experienced any kind of shortage possible. I incurred an abundance of nervousness and shallow breathing due to a tense family atmosphere and overdriven family members. Thanks to my ambitious mother and the dynamic First Lovely, my second life is more abundant in resources and attention. I feel that has helped fuel my mental and spiritual growth thus far. From now on, if I don’t breathe deeply and continue to growth, it is entirely my fault for not taking full advantage of all the resources at my disposal. Thus I try to think hard and long about how to best foster the all-rounded growth of the boys and myself on a regular basis so as not to waste my time, energy and resources. I believe to waste is to sin. To not enjoy your life is also a sin, although a minor one. After all, God has created this beautiful world, infinitely complex yet amazingly simple, where we are to enjoy and to flourish. I am, therefore, determined to grow and enjoy to the best of my ability in my second life.
The boys and I walked down the street to Marcia’s house to hang out with her and Jared on her front porch. Her little granddaughter was there looking pitiful with eczema all over her cheeks, arms and belly. Marcia told us she started scratching herself since she was an infant, even during sleeping and feeding, which has kept her from sleeping and gaining weight. I saw her mother once at Sarah’s wedding. She looked harassed and super thin then. Marcia’s family is quite large, comprising 7 adult children and 4 grand-children. She will soon have more grand-children. She is a devout Catholic who believes in the sin of abortion and the merit of having a large family. As a Catholic, I should believe completely in the sin of abortion. However, I think there should be exceptions where abortion is allowed, such as when the mother’s life is threatened and in the case of rape. Abortion should also be considered in medical circumstances and when the child has Down Syndrome. I would not voice such opinion to other Catholics though. Marcia seems to have a happy home, but she seems overburdened to me. She runs a Pregnancy Center where very young mothers and single mothers go to get help. Most of Marcia’s daughters and she have supported those women in need with material means and childcare. I admire her conviction, energy and efforts, but I know that is not my path. I came home and thanked God that I was spared such a large family and religious zeal. No doctrine is perfect, and so is Catholicism.
Most mornings when I come downstairs, the Three Lovelies would be there in the living room. The young boys usually give me a Good Morning hug and ask me how well I sleep the night before. I cherish those moments of intimacy and care among us. Some days when they grow up and leave the “nest,” I think I will miss those moments dearly. Perhaps of all the legacies one can leave behind, the legacy of love is the most significant and memorable. That said, why am I not giving more of my love to more people? We saw Carol in Lexington yesterday. As usual, she cooked us lots of delicious food and we had a cozy visit. She is someone who is hospitable and giving, and therefore loving. She likes to say that she wants to “love on” people. She practically adopted my First Lovely and even gave us a family heirloom piano. I would not have been able to start my piano lesson without that piano. She has 7 children of her own and seems devoted to feeding and taking care of other people. Why can’t I be more loving towards people in general and seems to hold back more than I give of my time and myself? Both Marcia and Carol have 7 children and claim to be all about the people. I think I would be suffocated if surrounded by so many people all the time. I suppose there are roughly 2 types of people in the world, those who would need other people around them on a regular basis and those who prefer being around very few people or solitude. I am more of a loner and a naturalist. I admire such independent thinkers as Thoreau, Emerson, Annie Dillard and John Muir who strike out on their own to think and to be with Nature. I wonder if my disappointments with many people, both friends and families, over the years have made me so. Oh, I started reading Anthony de Mello and Charles and Mary Lamb’s Shakespeare’s Stories which are tremendously instructive, inspiring and enjoyable. Thank Heavens for wonderful thinkers, writers and books!!!
Our house was supposed to be cleaned off of the soot yesterday, but instead David and I will have to find a way of doing it ourselves in the future although we paid 2 cleaning ladies yesterday for this daunting task. It turned out that they do not do heavy-duty cleaning tasks. They cleaned our bathrooms, dust ever so lightly some surfaces and made beds although we asked them to focus on the windows, blinds and walls. I had this same experience with house maids in Vietnam who were quite intent on doing things their ways contrary to requests. They and I always misunderstood one another’s purposes and motives. They liked me but had no respect for me because of my young age and naivety. I sympathized with them being in a low station of life but could never know how to manage them. I now realize that I was supposed to manage them. They wanted me to manage them so as to bend their wills. I usually elected to let them be themselves and do their things. It’s because that’s how I would want to be treated if I were ever in that subordinate position. I’m slowly realizing that people are not like me in personalities and aspirations and yet we’re all alike in that we are selfish, self-centered and greatly illusioned about ourselves and others. My parents think that formal education is the answer to men’s awkward, primal and self-centered behaviors. I disagree. It’s spiritual self-awareness and a willingness to think for oneself and to learn about life as well as a desire to know God that together form the answer. Many people who are quite formally educated don’t have self-awareness and a desire to learn about issues and things outside their domains. Formal education would be most beneficial to a person’s intellectual and spiritual development if it instills in them a desire to learn and explore the world on their own.
We are busy getting ready for a one-week trip. The whole time I’m cleaning, cooking, packing and putting things away, I keep thinking about reading my books and studying my languages. As a woman, I am expected to raise children, work fulltime and take care of the home. If I do all those professional and domestic activities, how do I get the time to pursue the activities I actually enjoy? We only have 2 children, but our days are completely filled with all sorts of activities, both domestic and professional. How am I supposed to manage if we have more children? I sometimes wonder if we should have more kids, but I’m glad we never decided to have more and ended up having to do more. We want to do more of what we enjoy, not what we are obliged to do. I am opted to agree with G. K. Chesterton who said that the object of human life is play. Play is the source of human happiness, not the stuffs one owns. The more things one owns, the more work one has to do to take care of them. I have cleaned the inside of my car twice now, and, both times, felt bad while exerting myself rubbing the leather seats and scrubbing the surfaces. I felt slightly depressed that my time and efforts were being channeled towards cleaning, an activity I don’t enjoy. I would be happy reading, writing and studying languages all day. Whenever I look at my bookshelf, all the unread volumes call out to me, and I start making plans about which to read next and in what order. I am constantly pondering which language textbook I should explore as I have quite a few and would want to study them all. Only if I had the time to do all that I need and want to do and still eat well, exercise enough and sleep sufficiently!
We had an interesting vacation. Being away from the regular scenery and routine are certainly beneficial in a few ways. We all felt more appreciative of our home: how big but cozy it is. We don’t have a very big house, but we all feel it is enough for our individual activities and cozy time together. None of us likes cleaning and other house chores, so we are happy with having just enough space and not more. Our house, however, is quite large compared with the rental house in Beaufort. That house also seemed to diminish because it is a bit over-decorated with mermaid- and ocean-themed knick-knacks. Everywhere we looked, there were décor items mounted on shelves or hung on walls. It occurred to me when we stayed there that there is no bookshelf in any of the vacation houses we had stayed at. We can’t imagine living in a house without books. We also became more appreciative of Kentucky, our state. We don’t have major natural disasters here. While in Beaufort, we saw hurricane evacuation routes in some places. Granted, we don’t have the spectacular views of the harbor front and the ocean. Neither do we have deliciously fresh seafood and ancient oaks with Spanish moss hanging down. But Kentucky does possess a bucolic beauty with rolling hills, verdant farmland as well as lakes and rivers interlacing with forests in its many state parks. With a low cost of living and four seasons, Kentucky is a good state to live in. It was good for us to be away in another land, and it has been good to be back home.
Before leaving home for Beaufort, I had felt a little unhappy for no good reason. The First Lovely had started working from home in the morning and taking over the dining table where I would usually study at. His phone calls were so loud, reverberating throughout the entire house. I couldn’t carry on my studying like usual and was becoming resentful. I never knew having my space taken over could cause me such upset. My uneasiness at home caused me to feel dissatisfied about my life. I felt trapped in all my choices so far. My life and all roles seemed not worth much. I felt jealous of people who have a career and get to go on business trips. When times are good, I feel blessed in my situation of being a wife, a mother and a lifelong learner and dreamer. When I feel down-beaten, I look at my life as a failure. Those are dark moments when we fail to appreciate our lives and the unique vocations that God has ordained to us.
David and Lam 